I Am the Wall Builder

It's Blair. Becca is too busy with dealing with every one's crap and her own crap to blog, so I'm doing it for her. Usually her blogs involve her point of view and her egos' point of view, not this time. This time, this blog.. this is me, and this is going to be based on my favorite little quote.

"I've figured out a way to twist reality. Just take a ton drugs, never go to sleep

and re-rent the saddest movie you've ever seen. Push all your friends away

with the cruel things that you said. And if you need company,

you've got the voices in your head."

She likes being in control, not necessarily 'Do this' or 'Do that', but she likes to know what is going to happen, she doesn't like surprises. She plans out conversations before they happen, but when they don't go her way she gets disappointed. She loves writing because she is in control, she can plan out conversations and they will go exactly her way. She loves being able to make her own reality and to be able to twist and tweak her character's lives to her liking. To be in control of that, she is truly happy. She is happy because she can make other people happy too, she can make other people feel no pain when that is all she can feel. No surprises, if she thinks it, it shall be.

I am the wall builder. I put those up a long time ago. With a bit of persuasion Becca made me take them down just a hair so some people could filter through. But what was expected.. it happened. The ones who had the rare opportunity to come into our life, to see the real us, they used us, broke us, and kicked us while we were down. I built the walls higher, stronger, and thicker so no one could see us in our deepest state.

I told her it was a bad idea to let them in, it would only turn out exactly like it did before. Every. Single. Time. I hide behind a mask, for I fear that when they see the real us, they'll deem us ugly, unfit to be their friend, annoying, insufferable. She likes to see the good in everyone, I don't. From the moment I meet someone, I immediately brace myself for them letting me down once again. And I'm sick of it, I'm sick of analyzing every one's stories, their personalities. It gets tiring. It doesn't matter who I go see, what different techniques I try, I am NOT getting hurt again.

If anyone walks away, it won't be them, it'll be me. I don't mean to sound harsh. Becca knows I want the best from all of my relationships, but I know that in the end, all relationships end. People betray you, people leave you, back stab you, cheat you, and let you down. I don't want any of us to go through that again, and I wish I could be the cool, suave, charming person that everyone want me to be. Becca is the mask, Blair is the real person. I'll push people away so I won't get hurt, because I've been hurt too many times.

And lastly, this is what this whole blog is about right? The voices in her head that tell her what to do, what we would do. She's letting those voices speak through this blog. She's comforted by them, they help her through these hard times and she hurts without them. I can't live without them, I can live without people, without hurt. But without the egos and Becca... I am nothing.

photo credit: By teariixxbrizzle on photobucket.com