Pretty WILD

Anger brings out the beast (Apollo) in me. And I'm not kidding! Once I was so angry I ripped the handle off the back door. I also used to beat up on my little sisters and I didn't know my own strength. So a lot of things had been angering me lately and I've been avoiding talking about it just 'cause I usually lash out at anyone who happens to be in my way.. Sad, I know.

So I'm here today to tell you a few warning signs to let you know when the fangs are about to come out! Good luck.

Bold = things that happen that only I can feel!

WARNING SIGNS, BEWARE;
1.) I jut my jaw out and clench! So it looks like I have a massive under bite, but I don't...
2.) My palms get sweaty
3.) I walk fast in the halls. Honestly I look like I'm on a mission and that I could mow you down if you get in my way.
4.) My chest tightens. It feels like there are iron vises crushing my ribs in, but at the same time there are big meat hooks pulling them out. Painful? Yes.
5.) My arms feel like if I don't move them they are going to lock in place. The urge to hit something or someone is so strong that I have to do something productive in order for the feeling to go away.
6.) I swear... Like a sailor... or a rapper... Depends on the degree of my mood.
7.) My thoughts travel at the speed of light.. Which if you don't know is : 299 792 458 m / s.. Wow that's fast B! I know.. Believe me.
8.) I avoid all physical contact. There is a better chance that I will lash out at you if you get too close.
9.) If a thought occurs and I linger on that thought for too long I believe what ever happened in that thought actually happened.. and my mood goes from worse to "GET THE F OUT OF MY WAY NOW!"
10.) I fidget.. Probably the most impossible thing to do when I am angry is sit still.
11.) I become quiet. Not the oh I am just thinking quiet.. but the I am silently plotting your destruction.. go away quiet.
12.) I walk away from people. I want to be alone so I can cool down. I don't want you to follow, just stay and wait until I am OK..
13.) I play with my hair, it's a self-soothing technique that I have no control over. But playing with hair is an everyday thing, how do we know when you are angry? Well my dear blogger, its like this.. If you are trying to talk to me and I don't look up at you while I'm playing with my hair.. I'm PISSED. Or if I am "searching for split ends"... *whistles*
14.) **ONLY IN EXTREME CASES** I shake. Uncontrollably.

Now I don't give you these warning symptoms so you can avoid me at all costs every day.. just on the bad ones. I try not to be angry because I know there is no use in fighting any more. And I hate yelling.. It has something to do with how f-ed up my childhood was and how I witnessed so much yelling.. but that is not the point. The point is that if I yell I am truly offended/hurt/pissed/scared.

I hate confrontations! I won't talk to you about it... But if it means a lot to me I will.. WILL.. Confront you.. If I do, you know YOU did something wrong..

So continue you at your own risk if I am mad and you see that.
The outcome won't be pretty.

SCREW YOU OLD MAN

Perfect opportunity for Blair to make herself known to other people. But of course I got in the way because I wanted to be respectful, and not talk back to my elders. But no, it's been churning in my head and it downright pisses me the F off!

I may be the best driver in my whole family. No, I AM the best. I am cautious and make sure I am a considerate driver. I think about the other person's feelings before I actually act. My mom jokingly nicknamed me a "grandma driver". I laugh and say it's always better to be cautious than get into an accident.

So today I decide against all my rules, I'm running late I don't have time to be cautious.. I'm literally like five blocks from school.. I'll be a little reckless. So I am coming up to the turn which I take to take me directly to the school. There is a white car next to me and there is a good 70 meters till the turn, I speed up make sure there is a good distance between me and the car.

Good Distance = I'm not going to hit you if I accidentally swerve or something. And you don't have to haul on your brakes to avoid hitting me.

So I keep going and the white car follows me, I think nothing of it. Tons of kids take this route to school, I can think of about ten friends of mine who take it.. No big deal right? The fishy-ness starts when I pull into the parking spot and the white car is STILL behind me, parked this time. Windshield wipers stopped in the center of the window.

This guy must be in a hurry to get to class too right?

WRONG.

I turn off the car just in time to catch this.

"What driving school did you go to?"

Exsqueeze me? What did I do wrong?

"You cut me off back there!"

This old man, maybe 80+ years, comes raging towards my driver's side door. He's yelling about how I cut him off and how I'm going to cause accidents if I don't shapen up!

I'll let Blair take it from here.

Excuse me, excuuuuuuuuse me. You are not my grandfather NOR my father, you have no right to tell me how to drive! And, no, I did not CUT YOU OFF, I passed you. There was a good 20-30 feet in between our two somewhat crappy cars!

Did I hit you? Did you have to slam on your brakes to avoiding hitting me?

No you didn't!

And don't you DARE tell me I'm a bad driver for the ONE mistake I made. You don't know me, you don't know my record of driving. I have no tickets, haven't gotten in ANY accidents.

"How many years have you had your license?"

"Two years..."

"Three years? Well then you have not have learned!"

Listen to what I'm saying old man! I've had my license for TWO years... TWO! And don't talk to me like you know me. You are obviously senile and don't know what's going on! You keep repeating yourself.. what driving school did I go to? None of your damn business.

This is why I hate old people. Besides the downright creepy-ness of them, they are senile can't remember a damned thing and they drive like bats outta hell themselves! They drive under the speed limit.. Frankly, they are HORRIBLE drivers and should have their license taken away after the age of 80.

So the guy keeps coming at us like we're the worst driver in the whole world. And honestly I am ready to pounce on this guy because really I don't see what we did wrong.. But Becca decided to listen to this guy. Because that's the weakling she is. F Becca!

Screw being respectful right now, this guy had no right to criticize our driving.

Thank you, Blair.

This puts a damper on my mood for the whole day. I don't want to be a "bad driver". I want to be a good driver who does everything with complete and utter care! So screw you old man, my middle finger goes out to you.

My Phoenix

The myth of the Phoenix originated in Persian mythology. It tells of a beautiful fire bird that dies in the flames and then is reborn from the ashes.

When I say my phoenix I mean my soon-to-be tattoo. I've been thinking and thinking about the placement, the colors, the words to go with it... And I finally figured out what is going next to my fire bird.

Dallas: Oh I know!

Becca: Of course you know, but they don't!

Dallas: Do they even know the story behind it?

Becca: Well they know half-

Dallas: Half isn't enough! Let me tell the story!

Becca: Uh... Ok.

Dallas: We decided that the placing would be on our right shoulder, next to the blade, it will extend down pretty far down with vibrant colors and my all time favorite lyrics ever from a song! "Arise and be all that you dreamed" from the song Arise by Flyleaf.

Becca: Good job, now the story...

Dallas: Gosh, rein in your ponies.

Becca: Rein my-

Dallas: The story behind it is the year 2009 and all it's ups and downs. With Generose, losing friends, fights, just the worst and the tears, oh the tears that were shed could fill all of East Battle Lake!

Becca: Now tell them what Dad said..

Dallas: Wha-oh. He said "I will not support the idea of you getting a tattoo."

Becca: And what did we do?

Dallas: Shook our fists and jutted our jaws!

Becca: Good, but keep your head held high, Dal. We'll get it soon enough.

Dallas: But what about those lame people out there who copy other people's ideas?

Becca: Easy, copy my ink and I'll skin them (:

Dallas: Absolutely barbaric.

Becca: You love it.

Give Me A Sign

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97S66xee0U8

May 6
It's coming up really quick.
It'll be the one year anniversary.
One year since I was at my lowest,
One year since I met Lux,
One year since I went into the hospital.
So let me tell you a story;
Two days, both alike in routines,
In fair Rochester, where we lay our scene,
From ancient pain break to new depression,
Where unwanted thought makes civil hands unclean.
I sit across from my mother at dinner,
We are celebrating our heritage.
I am surprised by my acting skills,
I'm able to smile and laugh, while a battle rages in my heart.
Open the scene to a new time,
I'm making up a test in my least favorite class.
Every now and I then I look up to the clock,
Time is passing quickly and I need to leave.
I almost miss my appointment with Dr. Palzter.
Anxiously waiting in the reception area I run through all the things,
Everything I should share with her.
After safely making into her room,
I sink onto the uncomfortable couch,
A place I know very well,
Everything releases, flood gates are open.
Blair sits next to me, patting my back,
Right now she is the only one with me.
Hours pass and a decision is made,
I can't live like this any longer, I need help.
I'm left alone for a few minutes while Dr. Paltzer sorts things out.
I'm left alone to meet Lux for the very first time.
She covered all the signs, everything,
And I realize how dangerous that is.
Mom comes to get me, and takes me to my new room,
Its cold and lonely, alien to me.
I want home, and happiness.
I need to go through this to get there though.
One year later, and it's almost the same.
The signs are still, they're just hidden.
So I'll give you a sign, if you know how to interpret them.

Jumbled Thoughts

I'm standing in front of the crowd,

All familiar faces, just blurred and contorted.

Reassuring hands on my arms tell me,

"We're here for you, we love you."

Leave it to the egos to save the day.

I clear my throat, one, two, three,

Take the breaths I know all too well.

It's time to let the caged phoenix sing,

All the ugly thoughts and feelings you made me feel.

Take it, you owe me that much.

But when the words won't come, what then?

Choked by the fear of rejection,

I surrender to Blair, I let Lux do her job.

They can handle your lies, I can't.

Those light sea-foam green pills don't do the job anymore,

I take them to change, to make me more enjoyable.

I take them for you.

If I miss a day I see down to the depths,

Deep down to every soulless word you've ever spoken.

I'm not the Zoloft trained zombie I used to be.

The pressure in my heart, like iron hands squeezing,

I see the truth now.

You convinced me that everything would be alright,

And look at it now.

Broken hearts, tears, hate filled words.

This isn't what best friends looks like, not anymore.

Faded gloves slip onto my hands,

I know the lion in me is roaring to be released.

I could unleash it, say words that will burn,

But that's not how I want this to end.

I find my voice again and know what I want to say,

I want to know why.

Why can't I ever truly tell you what I'm thinking?

Why do you constantly pick her over me?

What is wrong with me?

What did I do?

Jealousy is a friend I know very well,

He keeps a room in the back of my very being.

But beyond that, beyond those questions,

Beyond the feeling of envy and betrayal...

There is one question burning, searing, the very tip of my tongue.

If I left you early, would you even notice?

If I did resort to the thing I promised you I would never do,

What happens then?

I've pretended and pushed through all of the crap,

I've taken the beatings, I've been taken advantage of,

I've came out of my shell only to be forced back in,

My ideas cut off by more exciting and fresh ones.

I'll jump through hoops to entertain you,

Nothing it seems is reciprocated.

I'm worn out, bruised and tired.

I can't fight anymore.

It's your turn.

Popeye

I received this text during 7th hour Physics today;



"Your grandpa is recovering in sioux falls from an infection that developed due to a surgery related to a twisted bowel. Will give you all an update tonight."



Today's blog isn't going to be about boys or school, softball or friends... It's going to be about love and the ones I love. The ones who knew me since I was just the size of a pea pod. This blog is going to be about my grandparents; Nannie and Popeye.



My stomach dropped seventh hour when I read the text. Mr. Howard's voice began to fade to just a murmur as I fingered the keypad on my phone. Thoughts went zooming through my head as minutes passed waiting for a reply from my dad. When he told me that Popeye was sedated and resting I breathed a sigh of relief.



Relief only lasted a few minutes before I realized that my grandpa is old. Not the evil soul sucker old, but old enough. I can't imagine life without him and that scares me. Summers wouldn't be the same. The cabin would just seem like another place when it would normally seem like a nirvana with all my family around me.



And then I started to think about my grandmother. I couldn't imagine them not together. How was she feeling? Is she okay? Is she in the room with him? Is she scared? My grandparents have been married for 52 years and I can still see the love in my grandpa's eyes when he looks at my grandmother. I want a love like theirs. A love that last half a century without losing the spark that brought them together.



I always enjoy hearing about how they met; my grandma was a freshman in high school and my grandpa a sophomore. My great grandmother didn't like my grandpa one bit, she called him a troublemaker and always told my grandma to "stay away from that Jimmy Moir." Of course Nannie didn't listen and fell in love with Popeye.



At my father's wedding two summers ago my grandma made a special request to the DJ; "Play 'The Leader of the Pack' by The Shangri-Las." Watching those two dance together made everyone smile and made me want my marriage to last the long. To have someone to grow old with.



That same summer we celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. It was a huge production that my family had been planning since the previous summer, all of it a surprise to them. A whole week was dedicated to their love. And the surprises went like this;



My cousin Morgan woke up really early in the morning and went to wake up my grandparents in the cabin. He told them he thought they had bed bugs in the bunkhouse and to help him investigate. They reluctantly walked over to the bunkhouse and opened the screen door only to be surprised when three other people (my cousins Brad and Marta, and my sister Lindsey) who popped up from behind the bed. The three of them were supposed to arrived three days later.



I drove up with my cousin Josh, his girlfriend Randi, my cousin Megan, sisters Amy and Mary, and Aunt Annie and Uncle Brad. We knew that all of the people at the cabin would be down by the dock so we snuck around the bunkhouse to get a view of the dock. We then decided that Josh, one of my eldest cousins whom my grandparents haven't seen in ages would be the one to walk out and say "hello." We giggled as we watched him walk straight up to Nannie, as she paused and tried to recognize him, and then as she screamed "OH MY GOODNESS! JOSH!" We then walked into view and Nannie hugged each of us while tears poured from her eyes.



The next couple of days included arrivals of old family members, dinners with everyone, and finally ended with the main dinner. The food wasn't all that great but watching Nannie and Popeye give the toast was the best part. They had tears in their eyes, grateful and just so happy to be surrounded by people who loved them and who they loved dearly. Tissues were passed around as the audience teared up from the kind words. We concluded the night with homemade ice cream, enough to feed a firehouse, and a specially made DVD. On the DVD were pictures ranging from when Nannie and Popeye were just babies to now with all of their grand kids.



One moment I'll never forget is when I looked back at Popeye during the movie and he was crying. Not just teary eyed, but tears were rolling down his wrinkled face. I remember it shocking me because I had always thought Popeye was not the one to cry, he was too tough. But there he sat with tears pouring from his eyes. He was touched and couldn't help but cry.

My grandfather means a lot to me, like I'm sure most people's grandparents do. And I can't help but look back on all the memories I have of him and almost tear up because I can't imagine them without him.

To say that losing him would break my heart is an understatement. But not only would it be an understatement about me, but also to my whole family. For what is Moirs Mooring without it's proprietor?

I love you, Popeye.

Bite My Lip

Bite My Lip

A poem by Dallas

Biting my lip when I see you stare,

But knowing you don't care,

All of it just so unfair.

Butterflies flutter when I see you in the hall,

Bite my lip to silence my call,

How can you make me feel so small?

Bite back my tears when my changes, whatever the size,

Won't turn your eyes,

And it hurts to realize.

So what do I do?

Biting my lip around you,

Because I know my dreams are too good to be true.

My lip is getting sore,

I don't think I can do this anymore,

I'll stop, when you stop biting yours.

Fighting Egos

Lux: "No."

Blair: "Please."

Lux: "No!"

Blair: "It'll be little!"

Lux: "NO!

Blair: "Pretty please! I'll give you a cookie!"

Lux: "What part of me telling you no do you not understand?"

Blair: "How about the part where you completely shot down my idea for a new wall?"

Lux: "You heard Barry just like the rest of us, NO MORE WALLS."

Blair: "I remember hearing no such thing..."


Lux: "You're insane."

Blair: "We're all insane, this whole idea is insane."

Lux: "What you are suggesting could send us back to square one."

Blair: "We haven't made much progress anyways!"

Lux: *gasp* "That is not the point! And how can you say that?"

Blair: "Um, how about Becca still refusing to say what is on her mind?"

Lux: "So she's use to being quiet... Outspoken, doesn't mean she hasn't made progress."

Blair: "Face it, Lux, we are the only people who actually speak for that girl! She can't even tell her mom!"

Lux: "You are so negative! We can make progress, we just need a little break!"

Dallas: "Spring break?"

Blair: "Beat it, ditz, we're talking here."

Dallas: "What the hell, Blair?"

Lux: "Geeze Blair, be a little more mean why don't you!"

Blair: "You see, this is why I am in charge of us! I can stand up for myself!"

Apollo: "What is the problem?"

Dallas: "Blair called me a ditz!"

Blair: "She was butting in to our delightful conversation!"

Lux: "You call that delightful? Oh you are so twisted."

Apollo: "I'm sure she didn't mean it D."

Blair: "Okay, really, no one cares Apollo."

Apollo: "I do."

Lux: "Come on guys, I'm seriously getting sick of bickering!"

Dallas: "I'm not a ditz..."

Blair: "URGH! Dallas, get out of here!"

Lux: "Blair, back off! She is just as much a part of Becca as you are!"

Blair: "At least I'm useful to Becca!"

Apollo: "And D is not?!"

Blair: "Any girl can wear a low cut shirt and put on make up!"

Lux, Dallas, Apollo: *gasp*

Apollo: "That was low, B."

Lux: "Blair! Apologize!"

Dallas: "No, she's right. Anyone can do this. I'm just helpful to Becca when she feels girly. I'm just wasted idea?"

Blair: "Dal-"

Dallas: "I don't want to hear it! I'm just gonna go."

Lux: "Look what you did!"

Blair: "This isn't my fault! If she didn't barge in on our conversation then I wouldn't have snapped!"

Lux: "Do you hear yourself right now?! You're being ridiculous!"

Blair: "How can you say that?! I am trying to save us!"

Lux: "You are destroying everything we have been working for!"

Blair: "No I'm not-"

Becca: "ENOUGH!"

*silence*

Becca: "I am so tired! I do not need this right now!"

The egos: "We're sorry."

Becca: "Go to bed. I am just so done with you for the night. BAH!"

Blair: "I'm sorry, Lux."

Lux: "I'm sorry too, Blair."

A Tough Decision

I'm at a point in my path, a new fork in my twisting, turning, spiraling road.

Down the road to the right is a brighter future for my sanity.

The left leads to the same beliefs, techniques, my self as it is right now.

The choice is weighing on my shoulders, forcing me to crumble under the pressure.

Voices will echo around my only sanctuary, beckoning me back in.

I know I must choose; take risks or stay alone.

I must trust, or never feel loved ever again.

A wall keeps me from backing away from this decision.

The wall too high to climb, I must face my decision dead on.

How can I let people in?

How can I tell them what I think?

What I feel?

Tender heart, oh tender heart.

I sink to my knees and prepare to cry, my soul will spill, I'm truly alone.

Give me more time! More time, I plead!

Hands of loved ones are there to guide me home, strong and secure.

I search your eyes to see the lies, and I'm not sure what I see.

Damned curse, it tells me you lie, that trust is a mistake.

So sweet and tantalizing they seem, he says.

Heartbreak will come if you follow them, like a little lost lamb.

They are just wolves in sheepskin.

Smiles on the outside, snarling fangs inside.

Come home to me, safe in the darkness of my love.

You scream, I love you, please don't go.

It will get better, you will shine as bright as our sun.

He says, Do not listen darling.

I block the whirlwind of the voices, silence is golden.

Pieces of me seem to go missing, giant holes in my body.

My heart aches to get them back.

I reach for them blindly, darkness surrounds me for I dare not open my eyes.

If I do, I know I will have to face my choice.

I don't want to choose, for if I do I know I will regret it.

I want to be loved, I tell myself.

Just out of my reach I am forcing myself to look, for I need them.

Without them, I am broken.

I open my eyes to find my world split in half.

One side dark, the other light.

Night, day.

Death, life.

I must choose.

Life Sucks

Ever get those feelings where you're being pulled in three, four, maybe even six different directions all at one time?! This is how I've been feeling lately. Only I'm not being pulled out in every direction, but down in every direction. I'm talking about the life stressors that have just been wearing me down! So, yes, this is another vent session. I'm giving the egos a break because of the weekend we had, and I thought they deserved an extra day to slumber. So this is just me, Becca, complaining about the suckiness I endure everyday!



#1 - I moved! And what comes with moving? Packing and unpacking, cleaning the new house, cleaning the old house, throwing away useless junk, straining back muscles, breaking things, and awkward sleeping in the new house. I hate moving even though I've moved maybe more than a dozen times in my entire life. I wish that I could just say "Oh, this is where I want to live now" snap my fingers and all my stuff is in the new house. But of course I've got my head in the clouds on that idea. What also comes with moving is showing the old house and wait forever for someone to make an offer on the damn house! Having to have the old house SPOTLESS every day because Lord knows that the buyers aren't going to buy it if my bed is unmade for one day! But we moved, and my new house is pretty dang awesome! It's an old 1940's house so just the kind I like with its creaky hardwood floors and all the nooks and crannies.



#2- Softball started on Monday. I'm the manager and I'm still sore.. How does that even work? I mean I know I was out of shape (didn't throw, catch, bat, run, etc.) but I didn't think that it would be that bad.. All I have to do is set up the cones and make-shift plates, right? Wrong. I have to catch balls being thrown in from the outfield while Coach Adams hits the girls pop flies and grounders, all while running in Crocs out in the goose-poop filled, muddy field, while the other manager is in the nice and warm gym with the other coaches! After bending over for grounders for almost two consecutive hours, my knees get sore, along with my feet who did a hell of a job running through the unstable ground in Crocs. So I go home and eat my tuna, play with my two adorable 11-week-old Shelties (Abe and Teddy), and hit the pillow at 9 o'clock! Wake up in the morning and almost cry from a killer headache and realize, I have softball right after school... Yikes!



#3- My nonexistent love life! Remember a while ago when I was venting about George? Yeah, mhm.. It's still getting me down. I broke down on Friday against the egos' and my friends' advice, and texted him, like an idiot I thought he'd text me back so we could talk about it but no, I've come to find that he's just another guy who plays games with your head. Just this morning I was having a nice conversation with two of my friends and he comes walking up and since I'm a chicken who feels embarrassed even at the sight of him I said "I gotta go" and stormed out of there faster than a Thoroughbred! Of course I deleted his number, avoid him at ALL costs and then I realize something... He is COMPLETELY unphased by it all. Like here I am completely crushed and there he is right as rain! All I have to say is this: Grrrrr! And I was sitting in the car today and "Not Meant to Be" by Theory of a Deadman, "Sorry" by Buckcherry, and "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum came on all right in a freaking row! Like the radio was working against me, like "Haha, you're depressed about this." Boys are seriously from another planet..

#4- I'm graduating. Soon. I have to spread my wings and fly by myself out of this nest I had built with my family. I'm on my own for everything and I am terrified. I would love to know whats ahead every day, every year, I would love for everything to be predictable but it's not. Nothing is absolute in this crazy world. It's up, it's down, backwards, sideways and every which way but never straight and right infront of you. But it's not. And I'm still scared.

Anyways, I would write more but I am exhausted from this whole week. So tired that I almost fell asleep typing this! Have a good night.

Until next time
-B

Secret Conversation

Lux: "She's in one of those moods again."

Dallas: "How can you tell?"

Lux: "Easy, something will be said that makes her second guess herself and then it's all down hill from there."

Dallas: "No, but how can you tell? Like what does she do physically?"

Lux: "You mean you don't notice when she randomly starts playing with her hair? Or when she becomes super quiet and looks down all the time?"

Dallas: "Well I have, but usually I'm busy telling her to straighten up and smile."

Lux: "Yeah and that really helps!"

Dallas: "You don't have to be mean..."

Lux: "I apologize Dallas, it's just... I mean Christ! I'm under so much stress, I'm practically working over time on a 24/7 shift!"

Dallas: "I know I've been slacking.. Maybe I should try and help out a little more?"

Lux: "That would be great D, so then Blair might not always be harping on us!"

Dallas: "You know why she does it though..."

Lux: "Isn't that why we all do it?"

Dallas: "True.. We're just trying to help her out."

Lux: "I'm tired, so tired."

Dallas: "Take a break to sleep tonight, I'll pull my weight tomorrow and Blair and Apollo will do the same. What's been going on?"

Lux: "The normal; school work causes stress and it makes her feel like she can't do it, friend stress causes her to think that they don't really want her, and home stress just makes her... you know."

Dallas: *gasps* "No."

Lux: "Mhm, looks like we're back to square one. And this time.. it'll be on the down low. We don't need things to get out of control. We can't go back to the dark place."

Dallas: "No wonder you've been running on fumes.."

Lux: "You know what I don't understand?"

Dallas: "Hmm?"

Lux: "How come we always resort to this? Becca knows she has a problem, yet she still DOES NOT ask for help."

Dallas: "Two things; pride and fear."

Lux: "What- pride and fear?!"

Dallas: "Pride because she doesn't want to have to admit that she needs help, for admitting it is a weakness to her. It is seen as a failure if she asks. And fear because of what happened all the other times she reached out for help.. They left her."

Lux: "Some people don't really know how to react to someone telling them that though!"

Dallas: "Becca wasn't looking for someone with all the answers. She was looking for an open ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone who wouldn't leave. She wanted a rock, she got twigs."

Lux: "But things changed after that..."

Dallas: "And you of all people should know that those feelings don't just vanish into thin air! You've had to mask everything."

Lux: "I like to see the good in people, I liked to think that they would still be there in the end. I wish they would just go away, just like Becca wishes.. But we know it won't happen."

Dallas: "So what do we do?"

Lux: "The only thing we can do.. Keep our heads up and put on that mask we wear so well."

Unbreakable

Photo from; Fireflight's Myspace page.

Fireflight is a new band that I just happened to stumble upon during my endless wandering on Youtube.com. The one song that really struck me was “Unbreakable” and it struck me because it reminds me exactly of Blair and Apollo. The lyrics touch my heart and it makes me think that this could be Blair’s theme song.

And I should have probably done this a blog or two ago, but I am going to fill you in on how Blair came to be. And it’ll link in to how the song relates to her. (So the parts in italics are in the song.)

Now to go back to Blair’s origin, we have to go back. Way back. Back to second grade. I’m about 8 at this point in time, I had just had the scariest run in with some evil soul suckers and lost my beloved pet Patches, and even now all I can remember from 2nd grade is Mom and Dad fighting. Always fighting. It’s like they forgot we were even in the room, but really we were just too scared to move from our place on the couch.

Some of the things that were screamed were things I thought two people who loved each other should never say to each other. But they were screamed at octaves so high that I am permanently sensitive to all yelling. My foundation, the two people who I needed to learn from, my first real glimpse at love, was crumbling right before my eyes and my stubby little 8-year-old fingers couldn’t grasp them fast enough. Like sand dripping through my fingers, my parent’s marriage dissolved and ended one year later.

My outlook on love and relationships was almost destroyed until I met Blair. Blair helped me lay the foundation of a new castle, a new sanctuary, by building the walls up so that I didn’t trust the male species. How could I? They lie, cheat, and ultimately leave you. “I love you” never sounded right anymore. Because all I could imagine was the twisted, enraged face of my father screaming at my mother.

“Where are the people that accused me? The ones who beat me down and bruised me.”

Then we moved cross-country before my fourth grade year. I thought a fresh new start would call for my walls to be lowered just a little bit so people could have a chance at being friends with the new girl. It wasn’t until the end of my 6th grade year that I realized what an awful mistake that was. I never knew friends could ditch friends, use friends, lie to friends, and not to mention I was shadowed by my sister L. I wasn’t myself and after we began our second cross country move is when Blair comforted me and we raised the walls back up again.

“They’ll return but I’ll be stronger… Now I am unbreakable this is unmistakable, no one can touch me, nothing can stop me.”

I knew behind the walls that I was unstoppable, no one could touch me. I knew it was a bad thing to hide behind them, but it was the only thing that made sense to me in the new city. I was ready to dodge the punches and keep to myself, but one act of kindness gave me a glimmer of hope. Walking into my 7th grade English class I was nervous because I didn’t know where to sit. A voice called out “You can sit here!” Blair in the back of my head told me to proceed with caution but I was too giddy to listen. I became friends with M, S, A, T, and more but all the while I was nervous about letting them know who I really was.

“Sometimes it’s hard to just keep going. But faith is moving without knowing. Can I trust what I can’t see? I want to take control but I know better.”

Middle school ended and my walls had been broken, rebuilt, broken again, and then rebuilt again, and I was ready for high school. It wasn’t much better, actually it was worse. So bad it’s to the point where I’m not going to let anyone in until I know I can trust them not to leave. Blair makes me feel “Unbreakable” she makes me feel strong and I know that with her guidance I can remain strong. I just have to keep my guard up constantly.

Until next time,

B

Defending the Egos

photo credit; by evakisno on photobucket.com

I find it very unfair that all the other egos have had a chance to make themselves known, and I lay forgotten in the background! How rude! Well if you couldn't guess already, genius, this is Apollo. Yeah, nice to meet you too..

If you're asking "what is with boxing gloves" then I might have to smack you, seriously. If you are going to follow Becca's blog, then pay attention! I'm the fighter of the group... I will stick up for us when Becca can't. And it sometimes feels like I have boxing gloves permanently stuck to my hands because I'm defending us so much. And yeah, they did get a few good jabs in but you should definitely see the other person.

For example; let's say I'm having a fight with mom or anyone really, my chest will tighten along with Becca's as well, then the insults start flying and Becca, being the timid little girl who hates hurting people that she is, will take them laying down. She will bite her lip from saying something nasty and cruel to this person who obviously deserves it and just listens while tears start to peak out from her eyes.

But me on the other hand, if I was on the surface for a day I'd tear that person up, if they say something to me that's cruel and heartless I will defend myself. I will insult them till kingdom come! I will fight back because I know that -like Blair said- we can't survive being hurt again. I won't stand for it. I'll butt heads with anyone to keep her free from harm.

If they have a problem with us, the egos I mean, then tough. If they want Becca, they will have to take us as well. We're a package deal, no parts sold separately. And I hate that Becca cares what people think, if she says she doesn't well just realize that the person actually speaking is Blair. Don't get me wrong, Becca loves us all very dearly and since we are a part of her she holds us pretty high in her heart, but like her father Becca loves secrecy. Secrecy that involves hiding us until she had a safe place to put us in. Yeah she told Dr. Barry McCoy right off the bat that Blair is a part of her, but she forgot to mention us... Until later sessions when she felt it safe to unload all of her slightly neurotic-ness.

I think I should give all of you some advice concerning the egos;

#1- Don't bash us, if you do, I'll come after you in your dreams and give you a very good beating.

#2- Mess with Becca, you WILL deal with me.

#3- If you don't want to deal with us (the egos) then just turn around and keep walking, like I said before, we come together.

#4- A good way to impress Becca is read this and ask decent questions for stupidity is a one way ticket to Beatsville, population you. And I'm the mayor.

#5- Think before you say something about one of the egos, because since we are a part of each other if you say something mean about one, you hurt all of us. Think about the feelings of all us egos.

Now that I've made myself known... I'm going to give Becca some advice on how to be more assertive, and how to stick up for herself. But if I hear about any of you messing with Becca.. Oh, let's just say you'll be sorry.

I Am the Wall Builder

It's Blair. Becca is too busy with dealing with every one's crap and her own crap to blog, so I'm doing it for her. Usually her blogs involve her point of view and her egos' point of view, not this time. This time, this blog.. this is me, and this is going to be based on my favorite little quote.

"I've figured out a way to twist reality. Just take a ton drugs, never go to sleep

and re-rent the saddest movie you've ever seen. Push all your friends away

with the cruel things that you said. And if you need company,

you've got the voices in your head."

She likes being in control, not necessarily 'Do this' or 'Do that', but she likes to know what is going to happen, she doesn't like surprises. She plans out conversations before they happen, but when they don't go her way she gets disappointed. She loves writing because she is in control, she can plan out conversations and they will go exactly her way. She loves being able to make her own reality and to be able to twist and tweak her character's lives to her liking. To be in control of that, she is truly happy. She is happy because she can make other people happy too, she can make other people feel no pain when that is all she can feel. No surprises, if she thinks it, it shall be.

I am the wall builder. I put those up a long time ago. With a bit of persuasion Becca made me take them down just a hair so some people could filter through. But what was expected.. it happened. The ones who had the rare opportunity to come into our life, to see the real us, they used us, broke us, and kicked us while we were down. I built the walls higher, stronger, and thicker so no one could see us in our deepest state.

I told her it was a bad idea to let them in, it would only turn out exactly like it did before. Every. Single. Time. I hide behind a mask, for I fear that when they see the real us, they'll deem us ugly, unfit to be their friend, annoying, insufferable. She likes to see the good in everyone, I don't. From the moment I meet someone, I immediately brace myself for them letting me down once again. And I'm sick of it, I'm sick of analyzing every one's stories, their personalities. It gets tiring. It doesn't matter who I go see, what different techniques I try, I am NOT getting hurt again.

If anyone walks away, it won't be them, it'll be me. I don't mean to sound harsh. Becca knows I want the best from all of my relationships, but I know that in the end, all relationships end. People betray you, people leave you, back stab you, cheat you, and let you down. I don't want any of us to go through that again, and I wish I could be the cool, suave, charming person that everyone want me to be. Becca is the mask, Blair is the real person. I'll push people away so I won't get hurt, because I've been hurt too many times.

And lastly, this is what this whole blog is about right? The voices in her head that tell her what to do, what we would do. She's letting those voices speak through this blog. She's comforted by them, they help her through these hard times and she hurts without them. I can't live without them, I can live without people, without hurt. But without the egos and Becca... I am nothing.

photo credit: By teariixxbrizzle on photobucket.com

Lux's Big Role

We are in Lux mode today! With all that's been going on in my life she has been working her butt off to make it seem like we're happy. Which I am very, very thankful. I mean with all this drama, hurt, and mean words that have been shared, it's hard to find someone to talk to who understands and will listen unconditionally.

Because I lost friends over this, sharing unhappy thoughts and feelings, I created Lux. With her I can be unhappy without my friends having to know or worry.

Becca; Are you ready?

Lux; (sits staring into the mirror) Mhm! I was born ready!

Becca; OK, let's go over some practice questions.. 'How are you?'

Lux; I'm good.

Becca; 'What's wrong?'

Lux; Hm? Oh nothing, just thinking.

Becca; (sighs) I really wish we could just tell the truth.

Lux; Tell me about it! I hate lying.

Becca; Only a little longer Lux..

Lux; Why can't we just-

Becca; No! You know what happened last time that happened. We let down our walls, we offered a peek into our mind and we had backs turned on us. They said we were too negative, and that is exactly when you came to be..

Lux; Ah, the dark times.. I remember.

Becca; I apologize for over working you these past weeks. With the things between Mom, Dad, and everyone else.. I know it's been hard.

Lux; It's okay, I understand why we can't let see what's really going on. If we do, they'll leave just like last time and then who do we have?

Becca; Suffer in silence.

Lux; But things will get better, I promise.

Becca; (smiles) I know. It always does.

Lux; (looks at the clock) Oh! Time for school.

Becca; Sometimes I swear your deserve an academy award!

Lux; An Oscar at least!

A Heartbroken Dallas

I've known this guy since 7th grade, we'll call him George for now, and I've liked George on and off again since 10th grade. Anyways, I just find out a couple days ago that he doesn't even read my text messages. A huge blow to my egos and very embarrassing all together.

Dallas; (sets down the mascara) So.. you're saying this was all for nothing?

Blair; This is why we can't like anyone.. because if we do, we get hurt.

Dallas; But I thought he'd be different!

Becca; I know, I thought so too..

Blair; Who needs him? You are better off without the male species anyways!

Dallas; (still trying to understand the situation) Is it because of how I look? I mean I can't tell you how many times I dressed up and tried to impress him!

Blair; No! Don't you ever think it's because of how you look!

Becca; Then what is it?

Dallas; Yeah!

Blair; Well... I don't know exactly. And frankly I don't want to.

Becca; I do!

Blair; No, I can't let you get hurt. If you are hurt, everyone else is.

Becca; Why don't you want to know?

Blair; Because deep down I know that if I did know, I'd be more hurt. And yeah I made a total a** out of myself, but it's better than suffering.

Dallas; But I really liked him. And now all the make-up, the clothes, the hair... It was all for nothing. I mean I really liked him!

Becca; We know you did, we all did. But Blair is right, we put up these walls for a reason. We were idiots for letting them down, but we needed to learn.

Dallas; I hate this. I can't even look at him! I have to avoid running into him because it's all I think about! I'll analyze everything I say to him, and I'll worry about getting hurt! I don't want to look like an even bigger fool! I'm so embarrassed. It's like a bomb was dropped into my lap! All my hopes were crushed by that stupid explosion!

Blair; Don't worry, you'll have me to protect you.

Dallas; But it's not enough. I just want to wear sweats and throw my hair up everyday now, what's the point in trying to impress someone who can't be impressed? And since he's not going to change his mind, what's the point? I want to hibernate until the end of the semester.. Maybe then everything will be okay.

Becca; You can't hibernate, I know it seems like an amazing idea right now.. But just wait. Some hotter guy will stroll around and you will forget all about George.

Dallas; No. I'm just going to go with my plan. Not trying to impress anyone anymore.

Blair; Well, at least we won't get hurt.

Becca; OK, but you will totally regret it. Now, let's just focus on school and our friends for awhile. No boys. Deal?

Blair; Deal!

Dallas; (shoving all make-up into a lock box) Fine.

Meet the Egos!

Hello Bloggers!

It's the time you've all been waiting for! It's time to meet the Egos!

Basically they are here to do the things I'm too scared to do, they say things I won't, and they will be proactive instead of reactive. Sometimes they can be evil, sometimes they can be nice, but whatever they are, they are just more extreme versions of me.

So here they are:

Blair - the defender: she is the witty, comeback savvy, don't mess with me ego. She is my defense mechanism, my go-to for comebacks during fights. She is my guard against hurt and pain. She is the main General of my ego army!

Dallas - the seducer: she really only comes out when I'm dealing with boys. Usually I'm a bumbling fool and tongue-tied around the male species, but Dallas is charming, lovable, confident, and irresistible. She's the girly-girl that I will never be, she always looks her best and is confident even when she is not.

Apollo - the fighter: don't mess with her. She is tough as nails, she won't let anyone take advantage of her, and if someone has a problem with her - tough. When I'm dealing with people I don't like or am fighting with, she is my go-to.

Lux - the cover: lux means light, and that is what she is. She is the light ego, she is present when I am low and don't want my friends to take notice. She's happy, fun, and bright when I'm not. She is my mask for depression. I can always count on her to put on a good front, and she never lets me down.

This should be an interesting semester...

Until next time,
B

The Craziness That WILL Ensue

Greetings to the blogging world! This is my first ever encounter with blogging, and let me tell you, I'm excited!

If you are wondering why on earth the title of my blog is about "My Alter Ego", it's because when I blog I'm not only going to just be thinking like myself, but as my alter ego as well. I have a couple alter egos that are going to be present throughout the semester, and they are very eager to give their opinions!

I have these alter egos for many reasons. One is because I like to use them in my writing, it's easy to relate to my story if my characters relate to me. (Some people could think that it's selfish or conceited, but it's a smart idea I think). Two is because they come in handy with dealing things I don't want to deal with, like drama for instance. And three, because they can say what I am too scared to say.

So dear bloggers, beware.
The things in my mind aren't always pretty.. But they are funny!

Love,
B