My Phoenix

The myth of the Phoenix originated in Persian mythology. It tells of a beautiful fire bird that dies in the flames and then is reborn from the ashes.

When I say my phoenix I mean my soon-to-be tattoo. I've been thinking and thinking about the placement, the colors, the words to go with it... And I finally figured out what is going next to my fire bird.

Dallas: Oh I know!

Becca: Of course you know, but they don't!

Dallas: Do they even know the story behind it?

Becca: Well they know half-

Dallas: Half isn't enough! Let me tell the story!

Becca: Uh... Ok.

Dallas: We decided that the placing would be on our right shoulder, next to the blade, it will extend down pretty far down with vibrant colors and my all time favorite lyrics ever from a song! "Arise and be all that you dreamed" from the song Arise by Flyleaf.

Becca: Good job, now the story...

Dallas: Gosh, rein in your ponies.

Becca: Rein my-

Dallas: The story behind it is the year 2009 and all it's ups and downs. With Generose, losing friends, fights, just the worst and the tears, oh the tears that were shed could fill all of East Battle Lake!

Becca: Now tell them what Dad said..

Dallas: Wha-oh. He said "I will not support the idea of you getting a tattoo."

Becca: And what did we do?

Dallas: Shook our fists and jutted our jaws!

Becca: Good, but keep your head held high, Dal. We'll get it soon enough.

Dallas: But what about those lame people out there who copy other people's ideas?

Becca: Easy, copy my ink and I'll skin them (:

Dallas: Absolutely barbaric.

Becca: You love it.

Give Me A Sign

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97S66xee0U8

May 6
It's coming up really quick.
It'll be the one year anniversary.
One year since I was at my lowest,
One year since I met Lux,
One year since I went into the hospital.
So let me tell you a story;
Two days, both alike in routines,
In fair Rochester, where we lay our scene,
From ancient pain break to new depression,
Where unwanted thought makes civil hands unclean.
I sit across from my mother at dinner,
We are celebrating our heritage.
I am surprised by my acting skills,
I'm able to smile and laugh, while a battle rages in my heart.
Open the scene to a new time,
I'm making up a test in my least favorite class.
Every now and I then I look up to the clock,
Time is passing quickly and I need to leave.
I almost miss my appointment with Dr. Palzter.
Anxiously waiting in the reception area I run through all the things,
Everything I should share with her.
After safely making into her room,
I sink onto the uncomfortable couch,
A place I know very well,
Everything releases, flood gates are open.
Blair sits next to me, patting my back,
Right now she is the only one with me.
Hours pass and a decision is made,
I can't live like this any longer, I need help.
I'm left alone for a few minutes while Dr. Paltzer sorts things out.
I'm left alone to meet Lux for the very first time.
She covered all the signs, everything,
And I realize how dangerous that is.
Mom comes to get me, and takes me to my new room,
Its cold and lonely, alien to me.
I want home, and happiness.
I need to go through this to get there though.
One year later, and it's almost the same.
The signs are still, they're just hidden.
So I'll give you a sign, if you know how to interpret them.

Jumbled Thoughts

I'm standing in front of the crowd,

All familiar faces, just blurred and contorted.

Reassuring hands on my arms tell me,

"We're here for you, we love you."

Leave it to the egos to save the day.

I clear my throat, one, two, three,

Take the breaths I know all too well.

It's time to let the caged phoenix sing,

All the ugly thoughts and feelings you made me feel.

Take it, you owe me that much.

But when the words won't come, what then?

Choked by the fear of rejection,

I surrender to Blair, I let Lux do her job.

They can handle your lies, I can't.

Those light sea-foam green pills don't do the job anymore,

I take them to change, to make me more enjoyable.

I take them for you.

If I miss a day I see down to the depths,

Deep down to every soulless word you've ever spoken.

I'm not the Zoloft trained zombie I used to be.

The pressure in my heart, like iron hands squeezing,

I see the truth now.

You convinced me that everything would be alright,

And look at it now.

Broken hearts, tears, hate filled words.

This isn't what best friends looks like, not anymore.

Faded gloves slip onto my hands,

I know the lion in me is roaring to be released.

I could unleash it, say words that will burn,

But that's not how I want this to end.

I find my voice again and know what I want to say,

I want to know why.

Why can't I ever truly tell you what I'm thinking?

Why do you constantly pick her over me?

What is wrong with me?

What did I do?

Jealousy is a friend I know very well,

He keeps a room in the back of my very being.

But beyond that, beyond those questions,

Beyond the feeling of envy and betrayal...

There is one question burning, searing, the very tip of my tongue.

If I left you early, would you even notice?

If I did resort to the thing I promised you I would never do,

What happens then?

I've pretended and pushed through all of the crap,

I've taken the beatings, I've been taken advantage of,

I've came out of my shell only to be forced back in,

My ideas cut off by more exciting and fresh ones.

I'll jump through hoops to entertain you,

Nothing it seems is reciprocated.

I'm worn out, bruised and tired.

I can't fight anymore.

It's your turn.

Popeye

I received this text during 7th hour Physics today;



"Your grandpa is recovering in sioux falls from an infection that developed due to a surgery related to a twisted bowel. Will give you all an update tonight."



Today's blog isn't going to be about boys or school, softball or friends... It's going to be about love and the ones I love. The ones who knew me since I was just the size of a pea pod. This blog is going to be about my grandparents; Nannie and Popeye.



My stomach dropped seventh hour when I read the text. Mr. Howard's voice began to fade to just a murmur as I fingered the keypad on my phone. Thoughts went zooming through my head as minutes passed waiting for a reply from my dad. When he told me that Popeye was sedated and resting I breathed a sigh of relief.



Relief only lasted a few minutes before I realized that my grandpa is old. Not the evil soul sucker old, but old enough. I can't imagine life without him and that scares me. Summers wouldn't be the same. The cabin would just seem like another place when it would normally seem like a nirvana with all my family around me.



And then I started to think about my grandmother. I couldn't imagine them not together. How was she feeling? Is she okay? Is she in the room with him? Is she scared? My grandparents have been married for 52 years and I can still see the love in my grandpa's eyes when he looks at my grandmother. I want a love like theirs. A love that last half a century without losing the spark that brought them together.



I always enjoy hearing about how they met; my grandma was a freshman in high school and my grandpa a sophomore. My great grandmother didn't like my grandpa one bit, she called him a troublemaker and always told my grandma to "stay away from that Jimmy Moir." Of course Nannie didn't listen and fell in love with Popeye.



At my father's wedding two summers ago my grandma made a special request to the DJ; "Play 'The Leader of the Pack' by The Shangri-Las." Watching those two dance together made everyone smile and made me want my marriage to last the long. To have someone to grow old with.



That same summer we celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. It was a huge production that my family had been planning since the previous summer, all of it a surprise to them. A whole week was dedicated to their love. And the surprises went like this;



My cousin Morgan woke up really early in the morning and went to wake up my grandparents in the cabin. He told them he thought they had bed bugs in the bunkhouse and to help him investigate. They reluctantly walked over to the bunkhouse and opened the screen door only to be surprised when three other people (my cousins Brad and Marta, and my sister Lindsey) who popped up from behind the bed. The three of them were supposed to arrived three days later.



I drove up with my cousin Josh, his girlfriend Randi, my cousin Megan, sisters Amy and Mary, and Aunt Annie and Uncle Brad. We knew that all of the people at the cabin would be down by the dock so we snuck around the bunkhouse to get a view of the dock. We then decided that Josh, one of my eldest cousins whom my grandparents haven't seen in ages would be the one to walk out and say "hello." We giggled as we watched him walk straight up to Nannie, as she paused and tried to recognize him, and then as she screamed "OH MY GOODNESS! JOSH!" We then walked into view and Nannie hugged each of us while tears poured from her eyes.



The next couple of days included arrivals of old family members, dinners with everyone, and finally ended with the main dinner. The food wasn't all that great but watching Nannie and Popeye give the toast was the best part. They had tears in their eyes, grateful and just so happy to be surrounded by people who loved them and who they loved dearly. Tissues were passed around as the audience teared up from the kind words. We concluded the night with homemade ice cream, enough to feed a firehouse, and a specially made DVD. On the DVD were pictures ranging from when Nannie and Popeye were just babies to now with all of their grand kids.



One moment I'll never forget is when I looked back at Popeye during the movie and he was crying. Not just teary eyed, but tears were rolling down his wrinkled face. I remember it shocking me because I had always thought Popeye was not the one to cry, he was too tough. But there he sat with tears pouring from his eyes. He was touched and couldn't help but cry.

My grandfather means a lot to me, like I'm sure most people's grandparents do. And I can't help but look back on all the memories I have of him and almost tear up because I can't imagine them without him.

To say that losing him would break my heart is an understatement. But not only would it be an understatement about me, but also to my whole family. For what is Moirs Mooring without it's proprietor?

I love you, Popeye.

Bite My Lip

Bite My Lip

A poem by Dallas

Biting my lip when I see you stare,

But knowing you don't care,

All of it just so unfair.

Butterflies flutter when I see you in the hall,

Bite my lip to silence my call,

How can you make me feel so small?

Bite back my tears when my changes, whatever the size,

Won't turn your eyes,

And it hurts to realize.

So what do I do?

Biting my lip around you,

Because I know my dreams are too good to be true.

My lip is getting sore,

I don't think I can do this anymore,

I'll stop, when you stop biting yours.