Fighting Egos

Lux: "No."

Blair: "Please."

Lux: "No!"

Blair: "It'll be little!"

Lux: "NO!

Blair: "Pretty please! I'll give you a cookie!"

Lux: "What part of me telling you no do you not understand?"

Blair: "How about the part where you completely shot down my idea for a new wall?"

Lux: "You heard Barry just like the rest of us, NO MORE WALLS."

Blair: "I remember hearing no such thing..."


Lux: "You're insane."

Blair: "We're all insane, this whole idea is insane."

Lux: "What you are suggesting could send us back to square one."

Blair: "We haven't made much progress anyways!"

Lux: *gasp* "That is not the point! And how can you say that?"

Blair: "Um, how about Becca still refusing to say what is on her mind?"

Lux: "So she's use to being quiet... Outspoken, doesn't mean she hasn't made progress."

Blair: "Face it, Lux, we are the only people who actually speak for that girl! She can't even tell her mom!"

Lux: "You are so negative! We can make progress, we just need a little break!"

Dallas: "Spring break?"

Blair: "Beat it, ditz, we're talking here."

Dallas: "What the hell, Blair?"

Lux: "Geeze Blair, be a little more mean why don't you!"

Blair: "You see, this is why I am in charge of us! I can stand up for myself!"

Apollo: "What is the problem?"

Dallas: "Blair called me a ditz!"

Blair: "She was butting in to our delightful conversation!"

Lux: "You call that delightful? Oh you are so twisted."

Apollo: "I'm sure she didn't mean it D."

Blair: "Okay, really, no one cares Apollo."

Apollo: "I do."

Lux: "Come on guys, I'm seriously getting sick of bickering!"

Dallas: "I'm not a ditz..."

Blair: "URGH! Dallas, get out of here!"

Lux: "Blair, back off! She is just as much a part of Becca as you are!"

Blair: "At least I'm useful to Becca!"

Apollo: "And D is not?!"

Blair: "Any girl can wear a low cut shirt and put on make up!"

Lux, Dallas, Apollo: *gasp*

Apollo: "That was low, B."

Lux: "Blair! Apologize!"

Dallas: "No, she's right. Anyone can do this. I'm just helpful to Becca when she feels girly. I'm just wasted idea?"

Blair: "Dal-"

Dallas: "I don't want to hear it! I'm just gonna go."

Lux: "Look what you did!"

Blair: "This isn't my fault! If she didn't barge in on our conversation then I wouldn't have snapped!"

Lux: "Do you hear yourself right now?! You're being ridiculous!"

Blair: "How can you say that?! I am trying to save us!"

Lux: "You are destroying everything we have been working for!"

Blair: "No I'm not-"

Becca: "ENOUGH!"

*silence*

Becca: "I am so tired! I do not need this right now!"

The egos: "We're sorry."

Becca: "Go to bed. I am just so done with you for the night. BAH!"

Blair: "I'm sorry, Lux."

Lux: "I'm sorry too, Blair."

A Tough Decision

I'm at a point in my path, a new fork in my twisting, turning, spiraling road.

Down the road to the right is a brighter future for my sanity.

The left leads to the same beliefs, techniques, my self as it is right now.

The choice is weighing on my shoulders, forcing me to crumble under the pressure.

Voices will echo around my only sanctuary, beckoning me back in.

I know I must choose; take risks or stay alone.

I must trust, or never feel loved ever again.

A wall keeps me from backing away from this decision.

The wall too high to climb, I must face my decision dead on.

How can I let people in?

How can I tell them what I think?

What I feel?

Tender heart, oh tender heart.

I sink to my knees and prepare to cry, my soul will spill, I'm truly alone.

Give me more time! More time, I plead!

Hands of loved ones are there to guide me home, strong and secure.

I search your eyes to see the lies, and I'm not sure what I see.

Damned curse, it tells me you lie, that trust is a mistake.

So sweet and tantalizing they seem, he says.

Heartbreak will come if you follow them, like a little lost lamb.

They are just wolves in sheepskin.

Smiles on the outside, snarling fangs inside.

Come home to me, safe in the darkness of my love.

You scream, I love you, please don't go.

It will get better, you will shine as bright as our sun.

He says, Do not listen darling.

I block the whirlwind of the voices, silence is golden.

Pieces of me seem to go missing, giant holes in my body.

My heart aches to get them back.

I reach for them blindly, darkness surrounds me for I dare not open my eyes.

If I do, I know I will have to face my choice.

I don't want to choose, for if I do I know I will regret it.

I want to be loved, I tell myself.

Just out of my reach I am forcing myself to look, for I need them.

Without them, I am broken.

I open my eyes to find my world split in half.

One side dark, the other light.

Night, day.

Death, life.

I must choose.

Life Sucks

Ever get those feelings where you're being pulled in three, four, maybe even six different directions all at one time?! This is how I've been feeling lately. Only I'm not being pulled out in every direction, but down in every direction. I'm talking about the life stressors that have just been wearing me down! So, yes, this is another vent session. I'm giving the egos a break because of the weekend we had, and I thought they deserved an extra day to slumber. So this is just me, Becca, complaining about the suckiness I endure everyday!



#1 - I moved! And what comes with moving? Packing and unpacking, cleaning the new house, cleaning the old house, throwing away useless junk, straining back muscles, breaking things, and awkward sleeping in the new house. I hate moving even though I've moved maybe more than a dozen times in my entire life. I wish that I could just say "Oh, this is where I want to live now" snap my fingers and all my stuff is in the new house. But of course I've got my head in the clouds on that idea. What also comes with moving is showing the old house and wait forever for someone to make an offer on the damn house! Having to have the old house SPOTLESS every day because Lord knows that the buyers aren't going to buy it if my bed is unmade for one day! But we moved, and my new house is pretty dang awesome! It's an old 1940's house so just the kind I like with its creaky hardwood floors and all the nooks and crannies.



#2- Softball started on Monday. I'm the manager and I'm still sore.. How does that even work? I mean I know I was out of shape (didn't throw, catch, bat, run, etc.) but I didn't think that it would be that bad.. All I have to do is set up the cones and make-shift plates, right? Wrong. I have to catch balls being thrown in from the outfield while Coach Adams hits the girls pop flies and grounders, all while running in Crocs out in the goose-poop filled, muddy field, while the other manager is in the nice and warm gym with the other coaches! After bending over for grounders for almost two consecutive hours, my knees get sore, along with my feet who did a hell of a job running through the unstable ground in Crocs. So I go home and eat my tuna, play with my two adorable 11-week-old Shelties (Abe and Teddy), and hit the pillow at 9 o'clock! Wake up in the morning and almost cry from a killer headache and realize, I have softball right after school... Yikes!



#3- My nonexistent love life! Remember a while ago when I was venting about George? Yeah, mhm.. It's still getting me down. I broke down on Friday against the egos' and my friends' advice, and texted him, like an idiot I thought he'd text me back so we could talk about it but no, I've come to find that he's just another guy who plays games with your head. Just this morning I was having a nice conversation with two of my friends and he comes walking up and since I'm a chicken who feels embarrassed even at the sight of him I said "I gotta go" and stormed out of there faster than a Thoroughbred! Of course I deleted his number, avoid him at ALL costs and then I realize something... He is COMPLETELY unphased by it all. Like here I am completely crushed and there he is right as rain! All I have to say is this: Grrrrr! And I was sitting in the car today and "Not Meant to Be" by Theory of a Deadman, "Sorry" by Buckcherry, and "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum came on all right in a freaking row! Like the radio was working against me, like "Haha, you're depressed about this." Boys are seriously from another planet..

#4- I'm graduating. Soon. I have to spread my wings and fly by myself out of this nest I had built with my family. I'm on my own for everything and I am terrified. I would love to know whats ahead every day, every year, I would love for everything to be predictable but it's not. Nothing is absolute in this crazy world. It's up, it's down, backwards, sideways and every which way but never straight and right infront of you. But it's not. And I'm still scared.

Anyways, I would write more but I am exhausted from this whole week. So tired that I almost fell asleep typing this! Have a good night.

Until next time
-B

Secret Conversation

Lux: "She's in one of those moods again."

Dallas: "How can you tell?"

Lux: "Easy, something will be said that makes her second guess herself and then it's all down hill from there."

Dallas: "No, but how can you tell? Like what does she do physically?"

Lux: "You mean you don't notice when she randomly starts playing with her hair? Or when she becomes super quiet and looks down all the time?"

Dallas: "Well I have, but usually I'm busy telling her to straighten up and smile."

Lux: "Yeah and that really helps!"

Dallas: "You don't have to be mean..."

Lux: "I apologize Dallas, it's just... I mean Christ! I'm under so much stress, I'm practically working over time on a 24/7 shift!"

Dallas: "I know I've been slacking.. Maybe I should try and help out a little more?"

Lux: "That would be great D, so then Blair might not always be harping on us!"

Dallas: "You know why she does it though..."

Lux: "Isn't that why we all do it?"

Dallas: "True.. We're just trying to help her out."

Lux: "I'm tired, so tired."

Dallas: "Take a break to sleep tonight, I'll pull my weight tomorrow and Blair and Apollo will do the same. What's been going on?"

Lux: "The normal; school work causes stress and it makes her feel like she can't do it, friend stress causes her to think that they don't really want her, and home stress just makes her... you know."

Dallas: *gasps* "No."

Lux: "Mhm, looks like we're back to square one. And this time.. it'll be on the down low. We don't need things to get out of control. We can't go back to the dark place."

Dallas: "No wonder you've been running on fumes.."

Lux: "You know what I don't understand?"

Dallas: "Hmm?"

Lux: "How come we always resort to this? Becca knows she has a problem, yet she still DOES NOT ask for help."

Dallas: "Two things; pride and fear."

Lux: "What- pride and fear?!"

Dallas: "Pride because she doesn't want to have to admit that she needs help, for admitting it is a weakness to her. It is seen as a failure if she asks. And fear because of what happened all the other times she reached out for help.. They left her."

Lux: "Some people don't really know how to react to someone telling them that though!"

Dallas: "Becca wasn't looking for someone with all the answers. She was looking for an open ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone who wouldn't leave. She wanted a rock, she got twigs."

Lux: "But things changed after that..."

Dallas: "And you of all people should know that those feelings don't just vanish into thin air! You've had to mask everything."

Lux: "I like to see the good in people, I liked to think that they would still be there in the end. I wish they would just go away, just like Becca wishes.. But we know it won't happen."

Dallas: "So what do we do?"

Lux: "The only thing we can do.. Keep our heads up and put on that mask we wear so well."

Unbreakable

Photo from; Fireflight's Myspace page.

Fireflight is a new band that I just happened to stumble upon during my endless wandering on Youtube.com. The one song that really struck me was “Unbreakable” and it struck me because it reminds me exactly of Blair and Apollo. The lyrics touch my heart and it makes me think that this could be Blair’s theme song.

And I should have probably done this a blog or two ago, but I am going to fill you in on how Blair came to be. And it’ll link in to how the song relates to her. (So the parts in italics are in the song.)

Now to go back to Blair’s origin, we have to go back. Way back. Back to second grade. I’m about 8 at this point in time, I had just had the scariest run in with some evil soul suckers and lost my beloved pet Patches, and even now all I can remember from 2nd grade is Mom and Dad fighting. Always fighting. It’s like they forgot we were even in the room, but really we were just too scared to move from our place on the couch.

Some of the things that were screamed were things I thought two people who loved each other should never say to each other. But they were screamed at octaves so high that I am permanently sensitive to all yelling. My foundation, the two people who I needed to learn from, my first real glimpse at love, was crumbling right before my eyes and my stubby little 8-year-old fingers couldn’t grasp them fast enough. Like sand dripping through my fingers, my parent’s marriage dissolved and ended one year later.

My outlook on love and relationships was almost destroyed until I met Blair. Blair helped me lay the foundation of a new castle, a new sanctuary, by building the walls up so that I didn’t trust the male species. How could I? They lie, cheat, and ultimately leave you. “I love you” never sounded right anymore. Because all I could imagine was the twisted, enraged face of my father screaming at my mother.

“Where are the people that accused me? The ones who beat me down and bruised me.”

Then we moved cross-country before my fourth grade year. I thought a fresh new start would call for my walls to be lowered just a little bit so people could have a chance at being friends with the new girl. It wasn’t until the end of my 6th grade year that I realized what an awful mistake that was. I never knew friends could ditch friends, use friends, lie to friends, and not to mention I was shadowed by my sister L. I wasn’t myself and after we began our second cross country move is when Blair comforted me and we raised the walls back up again.

“They’ll return but I’ll be stronger… Now I am unbreakable this is unmistakable, no one can touch me, nothing can stop me.”

I knew behind the walls that I was unstoppable, no one could touch me. I knew it was a bad thing to hide behind them, but it was the only thing that made sense to me in the new city. I was ready to dodge the punches and keep to myself, but one act of kindness gave me a glimmer of hope. Walking into my 7th grade English class I was nervous because I didn’t know where to sit. A voice called out “You can sit here!” Blair in the back of my head told me to proceed with caution but I was too giddy to listen. I became friends with M, S, A, T, and more but all the while I was nervous about letting them know who I really was.

“Sometimes it’s hard to just keep going. But faith is moving without knowing. Can I trust what I can’t see? I want to take control but I know better.”

Middle school ended and my walls had been broken, rebuilt, broken again, and then rebuilt again, and I was ready for high school. It wasn’t much better, actually it was worse. So bad it’s to the point where I’m not going to let anyone in until I know I can trust them not to leave. Blair makes me feel “Unbreakable” she makes me feel strong and I know that with her guidance I can remain strong. I just have to keep my guard up constantly.

Until next time,

B

Defending the Egos

photo credit; by evakisno on photobucket.com

I find it very unfair that all the other egos have had a chance to make themselves known, and I lay forgotten in the background! How rude! Well if you couldn't guess already, genius, this is Apollo. Yeah, nice to meet you too..

If you're asking "what is with boxing gloves" then I might have to smack you, seriously. If you are going to follow Becca's blog, then pay attention! I'm the fighter of the group... I will stick up for us when Becca can't. And it sometimes feels like I have boxing gloves permanently stuck to my hands because I'm defending us so much. And yeah, they did get a few good jabs in but you should definitely see the other person.

For example; let's say I'm having a fight with mom or anyone really, my chest will tighten along with Becca's as well, then the insults start flying and Becca, being the timid little girl who hates hurting people that she is, will take them laying down. She will bite her lip from saying something nasty and cruel to this person who obviously deserves it and just listens while tears start to peak out from her eyes.

But me on the other hand, if I was on the surface for a day I'd tear that person up, if they say something to me that's cruel and heartless I will defend myself. I will insult them till kingdom come! I will fight back because I know that -like Blair said- we can't survive being hurt again. I won't stand for it. I'll butt heads with anyone to keep her free from harm.

If they have a problem with us, the egos I mean, then tough. If they want Becca, they will have to take us as well. We're a package deal, no parts sold separately. And I hate that Becca cares what people think, if she says she doesn't well just realize that the person actually speaking is Blair. Don't get me wrong, Becca loves us all very dearly and since we are a part of her she holds us pretty high in her heart, but like her father Becca loves secrecy. Secrecy that involves hiding us until she had a safe place to put us in. Yeah she told Dr. Barry McCoy right off the bat that Blair is a part of her, but she forgot to mention us... Until later sessions when she felt it safe to unload all of her slightly neurotic-ness.

I think I should give all of you some advice concerning the egos;

#1- Don't bash us, if you do, I'll come after you in your dreams and give you a very good beating.

#2- Mess with Becca, you WILL deal with me.

#3- If you don't want to deal with us (the egos) then just turn around and keep walking, like I said before, we come together.

#4- A good way to impress Becca is read this and ask decent questions for stupidity is a one way ticket to Beatsville, population you. And I'm the mayor.

#5- Think before you say something about one of the egos, because since we are a part of each other if you say something mean about one, you hurt all of us. Think about the feelings of all us egos.

Now that I've made myself known... I'm going to give Becca some advice on how to be more assertive, and how to stick up for herself. But if I hear about any of you messing with Becca.. Oh, let's just say you'll be sorry.

I Am the Wall Builder

It's Blair. Becca is too busy with dealing with every one's crap and her own crap to blog, so I'm doing it for her. Usually her blogs involve her point of view and her egos' point of view, not this time. This time, this blog.. this is me, and this is going to be based on my favorite little quote.

"I've figured out a way to twist reality. Just take a ton drugs, never go to sleep

and re-rent the saddest movie you've ever seen. Push all your friends away

with the cruel things that you said. And if you need company,

you've got the voices in your head."

She likes being in control, not necessarily 'Do this' or 'Do that', but she likes to know what is going to happen, she doesn't like surprises. She plans out conversations before they happen, but when they don't go her way she gets disappointed. She loves writing because she is in control, she can plan out conversations and they will go exactly her way. She loves being able to make her own reality and to be able to twist and tweak her character's lives to her liking. To be in control of that, she is truly happy. She is happy because she can make other people happy too, she can make other people feel no pain when that is all she can feel. No surprises, if she thinks it, it shall be.

I am the wall builder. I put those up a long time ago. With a bit of persuasion Becca made me take them down just a hair so some people could filter through. But what was expected.. it happened. The ones who had the rare opportunity to come into our life, to see the real us, they used us, broke us, and kicked us while we were down. I built the walls higher, stronger, and thicker so no one could see us in our deepest state.

I told her it was a bad idea to let them in, it would only turn out exactly like it did before. Every. Single. Time. I hide behind a mask, for I fear that when they see the real us, they'll deem us ugly, unfit to be their friend, annoying, insufferable. She likes to see the good in everyone, I don't. From the moment I meet someone, I immediately brace myself for them letting me down once again. And I'm sick of it, I'm sick of analyzing every one's stories, their personalities. It gets tiring. It doesn't matter who I go see, what different techniques I try, I am NOT getting hurt again.

If anyone walks away, it won't be them, it'll be me. I don't mean to sound harsh. Becca knows I want the best from all of my relationships, but I know that in the end, all relationships end. People betray you, people leave you, back stab you, cheat you, and let you down. I don't want any of us to go through that again, and I wish I could be the cool, suave, charming person that everyone want me to be. Becca is the mask, Blair is the real person. I'll push people away so I won't get hurt, because I've been hurt too many times.

And lastly, this is what this whole blog is about right? The voices in her head that tell her what to do, what we would do. She's letting those voices speak through this blog. She's comforted by them, they help her through these hard times and she hurts without them. I can't live without them, I can live without people, without hurt. But without the egos and Becca... I am nothing.

photo credit: By teariixxbrizzle on photobucket.com