Jumbled Thoughts

I'm standing in front of the crowd,

All familiar faces, just blurred and contorted.

Reassuring hands on my arms tell me,

"We're here for you, we love you."

Leave it to the egos to save the day.

I clear my throat, one, two, three,

Take the breaths I know all too well.

It's time to let the caged phoenix sing,

All the ugly thoughts and feelings you made me feel.

Take it, you owe me that much.

But when the words won't come, what then?

Choked by the fear of rejection,

I surrender to Blair, I let Lux do her job.

They can handle your lies, I can't.

Those light sea-foam green pills don't do the job anymore,

I take them to change, to make me more enjoyable.

I take them for you.

If I miss a day I see down to the depths,

Deep down to every soulless word you've ever spoken.

I'm not the Zoloft trained zombie I used to be.

The pressure in my heart, like iron hands squeezing,

I see the truth now.

You convinced me that everything would be alright,

And look at it now.

Broken hearts, tears, hate filled words.

This isn't what best friends looks like, not anymore.

Faded gloves slip onto my hands,

I know the lion in me is roaring to be released.

I could unleash it, say words that will burn,

But that's not how I want this to end.

I find my voice again and know what I want to say,

I want to know why.

Why can't I ever truly tell you what I'm thinking?

Why do you constantly pick her over me?

What is wrong with me?

What did I do?

Jealousy is a friend I know very well,

He keeps a room in the back of my very being.

But beyond that, beyond those questions,

Beyond the feeling of envy and betrayal...

There is one question burning, searing, the very tip of my tongue.

If I left you early, would you even notice?

If I did resort to the thing I promised you I would never do,

What happens then?

I've pretended and pushed through all of the crap,

I've taken the beatings, I've been taken advantage of,

I've came out of my shell only to be forced back in,

My ideas cut off by more exciting and fresh ones.

I'll jump through hoops to entertain you,

Nothing it seems is reciprocated.

I'm worn out, bruised and tired.

I can't fight anymore.

It's your turn.